The NonMonogamy Talk Every Couple Should Have
As a couples therapist (now coach) specializing in ethical nonmonogamy and polyamory for nearly 20 years I’ve learned a LOT about what makes both monogamy and non-monogamy work well.
All too often couples enter a conversation about polyamory with a history of only practicing default monogamy. And when they start talking they miss most of the critical points they need to unlearn/rethink if they actually want to shift to non-monogamy.
In my ongoing series of conversation prompts for couples to have healthy relationships, I’m going to list the prompts I wish couples discussed when they start talking about opening their relationships with the deepest hope it may help you practice non-monogamy ethically, or stick with monogamy with a lighter heart and clear head.
Enjoy, Gina
Non-Monogamy Chats Every Couple Should Be Having
- What mistakes in monogamy have you made? What did you learn from those?
- What can I do to make it easier to tell me when you have a new crush on someone else?
- What helps you feel secure in our partnership even while I have close personal friendships?
- How can I best support you in cultivating diverse connections with meaningful people in your life?
- If we start down a non-monogamous path, what would tell us it’s “working” for us? Is there any circumstance where we could pause things or stop our connections with others?
- How will we know if non-monogamy isn't “working” or needs an adjustment?
- What are our current emotional and sexual boundaries with others (outside the two of us)?
Quick tips for using these questions:
Be present. Set aside some fully-present distraction-free time to ask and respond to these with someone you love. Put down your phone, walk away from any screens, and give your partner your full presence.
Stay open to possibility. Even if you think you know your partner’s responses listen to them without assumption so they have room to surprise you.
Show up. Offer responses in complete sentences and challenge yourself to elaborate. This isn’t about being brief- it’s about growing a more intimate connection. Add specifics and details to offer more of yourself to your partner.
Really engage. Ask your partner follow-up questions. Part of this process is about engaging with your partner in meaningful ways. Asking more follow-up questions will show you care and broaden the conversation.
Connect with others. Collect all the questions and take them on a date night, dinner party, road trips, and campfires to inspire more meaningful conversation with your community.
About Your Coach
Dr. Gina Senarighi, PhD, CPC is a couples’ therapist turned relationship coach, retreat leader, and author specializing in intimacy, authenticity, shame-resilience, and connected communication for diverse relationships.
For seventeen years she’s supported hundreds of clients creating fulfilling integrity-based relationships according to their own rules. She’s developed a solid framework based in neuroscience, nonviolent communication, and positive psychology research that has transformed diverse relationships around the world.
In 2020, she published her first book, Love More Fight Less, A Communication Workbook for Every Couple, and in 2024 her second book, Stay Curious: A Couples Guide to Staying Connected with Penguin Random House. She earned her Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy in 2010 from Saybrook University, after undergraduate and graduate degrees in Education from the University of Wisconsin and Indiana University. In 2019 she completed her Ph.D. in Spiritual Studies and Pastoral Counseling.
Gina was named Portland’s Best Life Coach in 2018 and 2019 and has taught psychology courses, communication workshops, couples intimacy retreats, and guest lectured on alternative relationships and sex-positive therapy at universities across the U.S. Students love her no-nonsense presentation style.
Her podcast, Swoon has helped over 10,000 listeners build a more compassionate, creative, confident, and fulfilled society. Gina offers practical, proven skills to transform relationships in deeply meaningful ways.
These posts were originally published on heygina.com and nonmonogamous.com from 2014–2021.