10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Dump Him
Is this just a temporary struggle or is this a deal-breaker?
Deciding to stay together or break up can be one of the most powerful decisions you make in life. Most folks I see wrestle with the decision for weeks, months, even years swinging on a pendulum between their deep love admiration, and hope and their frustration, apathy, and resentments.
That period of ambivalence- though often well-founded- typically puts a lot of strain on the relationship. It’s rarely helpful for couples to face relational uncertainty or insecurity long.
So, after working with hundreds of women deciding if and when to break up with boyfriends, partners, and lovers I curated this list of questions that can really help you identify a clear path.
Before You Dump Him, Ask Yourself:
- Have I felt unsafe, intimidated, or threatened in this relationship?
- Have I been criticized, degraded or disrespected?
- Are my boundaries respected? Is there space to say no or change my mind?
- Am I walking on eggshells, fearful or uncomfortable speaking my mind in this relationship?
- Does my partner always blame me or others for their problems or things that go wrong?
- Is my partner excessively possessive, calling or texting constantly, or checking up on me?
- Do we feel like a united team?
- Do I feel loved?
- Do I feel respected?
- 10. Am I happy now?
Look, this list isn’t complete (I teach a four-week discernment course to help folks decide when to break up, you can join us here) but it’s a foundation. If you are feeling unsafe, degraded, or fearful regularly in your relationship it’s extremely rare for those dynamics to resolve especially not without professional intervention.
It’s a harsh truth but a very well-researched one that if you’re not feeling respected, or if your partner scares you or crosses boundaries regularly they likely need personal help before they are going to be able to shift those dynamics with you.
And, I doubt you want to hear it, but you may need professional help before you select another partner just like them.
Of course, no internet quiz or article can answer a question like “should we break up” for you, but if you landed here, and you can’t answer these questions in a way you feel solid about this should be a clear indicator of which direction you should choose.
Dr. Gina Senarighi, PhD, CPC is a couples’ therapist turned relationship coach, retreat leader, and author specializing in intimacy, authenticity, shame-resilience, and connected communication for diverse relationships.
For seventeen years she’s supported hundreds of clients creating fulfilling integrity-based relationships according to their own rules. She’s developed a solid framework based in neuroscience, nonviolent communication, and positive psychology research that has transformed diverse relationships around the world.
In 2020, she published her first book, Love More Fight Less, A Communication Workbook for Every Couple with Penguin Random House. She earned her Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy in 2010 from Saybrook University, after undergraduate and graduate degrees in Education from the University of Wisconsin and Indiana University. In 2019 she completed her Ph.D. in Spiritual Studies and Pastoral Counseling.
Gina was named Portland’s Best Life Coach in 2019 and has taught psychology courses, communication workshops, couples intimacy retreats, and guest lectured on alternative relationships and sex-positive therapy at universities across the US. Students love her no-nonsense presentation style.
Her podcast, Swoon has helped over 10,000 listeners build a more compassionate, creative, confident, and fulfilled society. Gina offers practical, proven skills to transform relationships in deeply meaningful ways.